In 2016, I had accomplished many things and learned much. The biggest, and most difficult, lessons I learned had come during the last two weeks of the year. On December 29, 2016, I learned the hardest lesson of all. I discovered that I am a liar. Now anyone who has ever met me wouldn’t peg me as a person set out to deceive. That assessment of me would be correct. I’m not one to intentionally share untruths to others. I never could grasp the minds of people who fabricate tall tales. No that’s not me at all. The person I lie to is myself. And until I could see that, I would never have the ability to step from the behavioral carousel I was riding.
Once acknowledged, one has the potential to change. Everyone is different. For you, your self-lying may be your belief that you can handle a vice; or something else that you keep returning to. The result of lying to one’s self is always a continuous circle of behavior. So please, apply what I say here to whatever it is in your life that you feel this may help, but this is about me. This blog post is what I am doing as part of my healing process. I appreciate all those who read this and pray for me as I’m becoming remolded, by the grace of God, into a stronger and more viable usable vessel.
I tend to see the best in everyone and every situation. That is not necessarily a bad trait. My self-lying begins when I ignore my inner meter; red flag flyer; angel whispering in my ear, that something is not right with a person or given situation. When we lie to ourselves, we simply CANNOT see what we’re doing even when our behavior is pointed out to us by others. I just couldn’t see it. That’s because I didn’t want to see it. It was my fear that made it so that I couldn’t identify my behavior and found ways to rationalize it. Unless a person commits (and submits) to receiving an education, they can sit in a classroom forever and learn nothing.
The first step for me came through soul searching and prayer. I made a conscious decision to face my fears and tear down the walls I had so skillfully erected within me. I had to take control by admitting to myself that I would never stand a chance to be truly happy if I didn’t take the risk. I then acted by confessing to someone very special to me that I had these fears and the constructed walls in the first place. I then opened myself to the risk of vulnerability by announcing that these walls were no longer in place. It was difficult and liberating at the same time. My heart poured forth. I was finally able to act on what I had feared all along. I didn’t need another person to validate or to share my feelings. They were mine and I had to lay claim to them. This took place between December 23rd and 25th.
Now, I had to face my fear-based behavior. I had to see the repetitive actions I was exhibiting in certain situations. On December 29th, I spent hours of heartfelt prayer and requested that God show me what I failed to understand. I believe that, because my desire to learn this was so great, and I was committed to act on whatever was revealed, my eyes became open. If someone were in the room, I’m sure they would have witnessed the light-bulb glowing brightly above my head. I can’t thank God enough for this revelation. I can only pray now that the wounds I’ve caused from my previously blind actions will heal.
On December 31, 2016, I had gotten from my bed and spent hours again in prayer. This time I requested that my “meter” become more heightened. I prayed that the second I detect something is amiss, I pay more attention and take steps to behave correctly concerning it. Ignoring God-given warning signs facilitates the need to hide. Anything said or done that requires hiding ought not to be said or done. Period. The slightest thought that I should hide something automatically raises the “Don’t Go There Alert.” Luke 8:17 “For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light.”
I can’t express how differently I think now. God has remolded my thoughts so much so that scenarios, like those of the past, seem ludicrous to me. I can only hope that these changes in me will be visible as life throws those previously problematic situation types my way.
My change started with my commitment to face my fears and stop a cycle that would never offer happiness. Once I allowed the walls to fall, and committed myself to learning, everything else fell into place. But first, I had to fall…on my knees.
Please listen to the song below. It expresses what I’ve said above so eloquently.